Before I turned forty, I was really looking forward to it. I had heard a lot of people saying how much better it was than their thirties. I loved my thirties because they gave me my two babies! They’re not babies now and although that makes me sad, they are at a wonderful age where they are starting to find their independence and it makes me so proud of the people they are and who they are becoming (on a side note, I am a bit scared that this is the calm before the storm – teenagers – should I be scared?!).
Now that I am forty, I have found that I am not as productive as I would like to be. I seem to be overthinking things and avoiding life as a result. For example, I used to love creating content and sharing on social media but now, I will edit something I have written until it loses its meaning or essence. I will also hide behind the camera or avoid sharing a picture of myself because I have bags under my eyes or the light is unflattering or my hair looks too thin…
I guess the main point of writing this post today is that I have realised that since I have turned forty, I have become too self critical and I need to be like Elsa and, ‘Let it go!’. I have read a few books recently that have helped me in my journey to banish the negative thoughts and feelings. In particular, The Midnight Library by Matt Haig has made me realise that it is easy to carry regret around on your shoulders unnecessarily. It has made me self-censor because I have always been too scared to put myself out there. I always worry before I post something online that I will regret it later. I also berate myself for things I say or do when I create content. My daughter loves watching the YouTube videos I used to create and I’ve had to stop myself from telling her to turn it off.
Part of me blames the pandemic for making me feel so self-critical. In truth, I think I have always been too over-analytical. I have to learn how to stress less about the little things and focus more on the bigger picture.
Going forward, my blog and social media is going to change. I am going to try and shift the emphasis on to me. I need to stop hiding behind my children. There’s more to me than motherhood. I’m not entirely sure what I will write about as I’m passionate about makeup and fashion but sometimes I find it too superficial talking about it. I also want to avoid buying clothes and cosmetics for content. I might therefore need your help in sharing what you find enjoyable on my blog, YouTube and Instagram. Let me know and thanks for reading. Bx
P.S. How did you feel about turning forty? Has it made you more or less self-critical? Did you embrace it or were you worried at all?