Mum Guilt – Blogmas Day 2

It’s day two of Blogmas and I have written and re-written this post several times today. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to say and despite having a list of 24 ideas, I didn’t feel happy with any of them.

I guess as I have been struggling a bit recently, I haven’t had the enthusiasm to put myself out there creatively. My biggest problem is how Annabelle feels about me going back to work. It must be really strange for her considering I haven’t worked at all her entire life. For five whole years I have always been at home with her.

She seems to be suffering from separation anxiety as she will struggle to leave me in the morning to go in to school. On the really bad days there are tears and it’s tough to physically separate her from me and on others she tends to get grumpy and argumentative for no obvious reason. I had thought it was improving, however today after I watched her class assembly, she burst in to tears knowing I was going home and that she had to stay at school until 3pm.

When Annabelle started nursery, we had the same difficulties so I had anticipated that she would settle in to school in a similar way. The only difference between then and now is the length of time. At nursery she was completely fine after three weeks. We have been struggling now for three months.

She also seems to get quite jealous of Heath since I have started back at work. They will fight to sit on my lap or she will be upset if she sees me pack a swimming bag for his class. She often wants to miss school to stay with me.

I am hoping things will improve soon and I am trying really hard to give the one-to-one time she craves. It’s just emotionally tough to see her upset and to fit in everything that needs to be done during school hours so that I can dedicate time to her when she is home. If you have had this issue and have any tips on how to strike the right balance, then please let me know. I will see you tomorrow (preferably with a cheerier post!). Bx

Hello Friends, It’s Been A While!

It has definitely been a while since I have sat down and written a blog post. I wish I could say I missed it and maybe a small part of me did. A very small part. Possibly a teeny, teeny tiny part of me. Mostly however, I needed a break. I wanted time off writing and analysing and to just enjoy my babies being small.

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For the most part, while I wasn’t blogging, I was feeling really sad, well I still am feeling really sad. Sad because my biggest is going to school in September. Of course, I am absolutely delighted for her but for me, there is this heavy feeling in my chest. It’s hard to describe and it sounds overly dramatic when I try to put it in to words but for me (if not anybody else), there is something heartbreaking about knowing that she won’t be a preschooler anymore. She isn’t the little girl who needs to hold my hand as we walk down the road. She’s the child who is turning in to a beautiful young person with an incredibly independent spirit. She tells me on a daily basis, ‘I can do it myself, Mummy’, and ‘I don’t need help!’. The Mummy part of me beams with pride that she has a forceful, determined personality. The emotional, irrational part of me wishes I could freeze time. To rewind the clock and relive these days all over again but with new adventures.

I think I am quite different to a lot of people in the sense that I hear friends and family saying that their school or University days were the best days of their lives when they were young and had fewer worries. Despite the stresses, the chores, all the bills and all the downs, I actually prefer this time of my life. This time where there is so much love, unconditional love. The sound of laughter. The giggles, oh the super cute giggles that come all the way from inside their bellies. These are the days that I will remember when I am old and grey with the most fondness.

I know that change is not necessarily a bad thing. Come September I might be happier that my baby girl is in school. It will mean that I have more time to spend one-on-one with Heath. I feel immense guilt for not having as much quality time with him. There will be more time to go to toddler groups and to take him swimming (he definitely needs to swim regularly as our recent holiday shows how petrified he is of being in the water). Generally though, I am looking forward to learning about life through his eyes. He is such a different soul to Annabelle. He doesn’t have her fearlessness in a lot of ways. He will climb and run and jump higher and faster than she ever did but he is a more reserved personality. Belle talks to anyone who will listen and if you engage in a conversation with her, good luck trying to get away! Heath on the other hand needs me for reassurance. He loves his cuddles and clings to whatever limb of mine he can grab first in most daily social encounters.

I guess going forward, I need to focus on what adventures are to come. I need to think of Dr. Seuss and remember, ‘Don’t cry because it is over, Smile because it happened’. Bx Screen Shot 2016-07-22 at 09.13.29 copy